@Fred_Delicious

Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling

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@jwoodham

A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.

@noog

After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.

@curlymalloy

Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!

@robotrowboat

Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.

@HomeWithPeanut

[Hears kids approaching]

Me: Think we can outrun them?

Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.

@iwearaonesie

*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*

this is why I drink

@AndyRichter

Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”

@iamspacegirl

Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so

@FSUSteve

I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.