Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
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I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah