Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling

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A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.


After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.


Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!


Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.


[Hears kids approaching]

Me: Think we can outrun them?

Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.


*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*

this is why I drink


Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”


Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so


I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.