Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
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1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
This one’s “Alex”.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.