Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
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Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
Flock of bats
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
then why did i get this email
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday