Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
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Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.