@Fred_Delicious

Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk

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@osigat

If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.

@SteveSuckington

Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.

@EugeneMirman

I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.

@KyleMcDowell86

Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats

@Adyaces

It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.

-kids

@traciebreaux

I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.

@causticbob

Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

@CopBroughtPizza

[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.

@mydmac

Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper

I’m hunting wabbits.