Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
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“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
Every house has this drawer
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.