Bruh 馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶
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If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it鈥檚 hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
I don鈥檛 think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It鈥檚 been 20 minutes, we鈥檙e still fixing the sink.
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I鈥檓 making has lace on it.
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don鈥檛 ever do that to me again
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
describing stardew valley
I鈥檝e really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
[Toddler 911]
911: what鈥檚 your emergency?
Son: it鈥檚 naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don鈥檛 know where that鈥檚 at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.