Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.

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My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.


Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?

Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.


I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.


<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?

Me: no


you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know


Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*


When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.


[1st time meeting a friends baby]

Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”



Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell


You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*