Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
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If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
Get off my horse you stupid moon
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
Eggs benadryl my favourite
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
gentlemen, hear me out
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.