@_Water_Baby

Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.

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@XplodingUnicorn

My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.

@EyalTweet

Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?

Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.

@VerbsRProudest

I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.

@mattgallo123

<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?

Me: no

@KeetPotato

you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know

@CourtneyBale

Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*

@QueenVofCoffee

When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.

@iinkedZombie

[1st time meeting a friends baby]

Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”

Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”

@sageboggs

Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell

@PaulyPeligroso

You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*