*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
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bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
that lip filler tho
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet