Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
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Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
I鈥檝e never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
I鈥檓 a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
Hell yeah 馃憤
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I鈥檓 going is if they鈥檙e full of food.
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M鈥檚 flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?