Brussels sprouts were invented by big cabbage to sell little cabbages.
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You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
There’s a new part of my brain aggressively trying to make me completely dedicate my life to becoming an expert on German amusement parks. It’s like “hey dude this stuff might be the most important shit you’ll ever learn” and I’m like christ. You’re probably right
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
Me My dog
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
Good morning!
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
Flowers bee like
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.