Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4: mom can I sing just a short song?

me: yes

4: ok its only just three hours long I promise

narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long

If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.

“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.

“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force

Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.

She’ll find love in another man.

Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone

me: i can’t remember my password

my brain: how about an embarrassing memory

There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.

If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.

You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.

just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again

I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.

sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal

“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”

“No whey!”

My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.

Officer: Did u know your back light is out

Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage

I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were

The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter

Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.

Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.

“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison

My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.

Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.

Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,

Take me with you.

You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.

[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard

[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack

The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article

[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there

Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it

Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!

Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?

*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!

Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure