Bryan Adams: 馃幍 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 馃幍
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
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4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
me: i can鈥檛 remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
There鈥檚 no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let鈥檚 just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
My wife鈥檚 story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it鈥檚 not their fault.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
The media be like here鈥檚 what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can鈥檛 spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can鈥檛 wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I鈥檓 not sure