Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
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‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn