BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
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Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
The struggle is real
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”