Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
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Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
me after drinking all the wine:
They also CAN sing✌️
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks