Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
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Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔