Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
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I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.