BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
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When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
New tinder profile pic
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.