People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
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Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down