bugs when you lift up a rock
You Might Also Like
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please