BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
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Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”