BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
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My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
The Compass
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.