Bullshit doesn’t pay the bills unless you’re a politician or in sales
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“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a cowboy hat while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you might have been buzz lightyear.
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.