Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
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Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
The real reason evolution started..😂
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.