@VeganZebra

Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money

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@AlexKaan47

Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now

@bourgeoisalien

I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.

@chrisscarlette

*i put two straws in my drink*

gf: awhh 🙂

me: hell ya double barrel

*i use both straws*

@MumInBits

Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?

5: because I’m 5

@timdonakowski

“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats

@rivetingbonmots

There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.

@KentWGraham

It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.