Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
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I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills