BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
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I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
translated into Canadian
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
I’m already scared
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.