[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
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A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled