Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
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It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
this is the best interaction on twitter
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.