*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
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TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
Banana is the quietest snack
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.