bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
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For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer