@tastefactory

*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh

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@I_Bl33d_Purple

I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.

@Rollinintheseat

We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.

@figgled

TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍

@ramzy

9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.

Me: [mutes TV] what

9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.

Me: …

9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]

Me. It’s *eucalyptus*

@osoplain

Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal

@GrantTanaka

marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u