I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
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Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
Daisy: how are you
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u