*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
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I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on