Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell

The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.

“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.

We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made

Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know

it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”

Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.

[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat

It finally happened.

After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.

Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.

[on a date]

I’ve got butterflies in my stomach

“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”

[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok

My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.

Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes

HER: Wow you look great.

ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.

Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.

I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.

Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod

I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders

(burglar breaks into my house)

me: Reginald, kill!

pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*

Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds

Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.

6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?

[fire]

EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.

We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.

Her, 5: can I have another pickle?

Me: no more pickles

Her: can I stare at the pickles?

Me: sure

Europe. Made in Germany.

When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.

When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…

* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.

* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.

Doggies just call it style.

your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice