[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
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In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
Digital security in Ancient Troy
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.