BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
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Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.