*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
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I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?