Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
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friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
R.I.P.
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
I was up all night reading about insomnia
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?