[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
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[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
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I still have Pringles?
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.