@graceupongracie

[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.

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@KylePlantEmoji

[introductions at a party]

Me: this is my first wife

Her: and current wife

Me: and these are her kids

Her: they’re also his

Me: we keep it friendly

Her: on account of we’re still married

Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own

Her: because they are

@IanDunt

So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.

@dragonsorbet

[2 months into relationship]

HER: you’ve changed

ME: [proudly] showered, too

@UNDEADTRESOR

I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.

@joejwest

ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY

@Rollinintheseat

I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.

@patnspankme

Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.

@mom_needsalife

The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.

@sgrstk

I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.