Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
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DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822