*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
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[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!