@WritePlay

*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it

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@batkaren

Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”

@KalvinMacleod

DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT

@PinkCamoTO

I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.

@JasonLastname

My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.

@DurtMcHurtt

There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.

@MomOnFire

I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.

@OllyiConic

Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”

@didifalldown

[Robot Uprising]

Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822