[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
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Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)