burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
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prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*