Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
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Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee