Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
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Put the is in disheveled
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
do horses think humans are hats
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.