Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
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[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.