Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
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DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
Lassie, get help!
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.