*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
You Might Also Like
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
Gross if literal…Liverpool
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared