*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
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I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
Catercrombie & Fish
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.