Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
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Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem