Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
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I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*