*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
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i have one speed and it’s mosey
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.