@MrJeberling My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
@ArfMeasures *burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
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@MrJeberling 
@pharmasean Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
@OlanDevine POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
@truegritrumble ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
@TheAndrewNadeau INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
@sofarrsogud SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
@Social_Mime People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
@RexHuppke The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
@WhatevaConc If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
@mrjohndarby [first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta