Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
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#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
shit, they caught us—run!!!
Me, in DM rooms…
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?