*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
You Might Also Like
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*