*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
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I’d use my best pan on you.
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
I already tried new things thanks.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you